Ugly
by Beji
Summary: Very introspective oneshot. Slight b/v. Read on!!


Ugly

|*|

Ugly…Ugly… 

       The day didn't dawn bright. Nor was it cloudy, or cold, but a gray haze coated the sky, heat beating down on the land. For him, it seemed never to dawn at all, the windows in the gravity room having been tinted against _any_ outside light. He'd retreated here long before the sun even hinted at rising, his bed no longer serving as a refuge.

       There was no place safe now, not anywhere. He had tried everything, to escape the memories, the _feelings_ that came to him at all hours of the day.  Even spending the night with his passionate hostess had done little to calm his mind. Now that too weighed on his conscience, using her body, her feelings for him to his own use. 

       There was too much in his head now to spare any space for her. She was a fixture around the house. The only thing that made her unique was…well, other things were blue, and others talked in loud, obnoxious tones…she cared for him. Perhaps at another time it would have meant more to him, but now it was merely misguided hormones. She was bored, desperate, and always saw her houseguest. Perhaps hidden fantasies had led to her fascination with him.

       Vegeta cocked his head in thought, disrupting his meditation. His hours of meditating did nothing, his mind still broiled with unbidden thoughts. How could he end this? He scoffed bitterly, he _knew_ how to _end_ it. 

_So sick of it all, So ready to fall_

_So ready to try my solution_

_Why'd you have to be_

_Why'd you have to be…_

       Aside from that…there seemed to be no escape. No safe haven, no salvation from that tangible thing, that memory creature. Looking in the mirror he saw only a broken man, staring at his own hands only produced images of gore and blood dripping from his skin. Why wasn't it red? How was it that his hands had not stained from such prolonged exposure to the crimson substance?

       He felt stained inside, horribly violated and jaded. He had lived years and years ignoring the marks his deeds left on his soul, thinking only of revenge, of staying alive until his fixation could be satisfied.

And it's black as the metal as the metal is cold 

       He had thought it was selfless, giving so much of himself to avenge his people. But he died for it…and although his sins had been atoned for by his own death, his soul refused to heal. He now saw his life for what it was, selfish. Afraid of death, of being forgotten, he convinced himself that the end more than justified the means. But 'the means' had a way of catching up with you.

_I could tell for the longest time_

_That retribution is the sweetest wine_

       He pushed himself harder, deflecting his own bolts of ki off the training bots back into himself, grunting when they collided with his already bruised and bleeding form. He absorbed the pain readily, and when his body protested the memories returned, and he recalled that he deserved this, this pain.

       Only a week ago he had nearly died from doing just this, punishing himself for crimes he'd already died for. He was out for a week, and the first thing he remembered afterwards was seeing Bulma asleep at the desk, waiting for…for him. Why did she care so much? If she knew half the things he'd done, she'd be asking her friends to hurry and finish him off. No one with this much blood on their soul deserved to be alive…deserved this second chance.

_Please set me free,_

_I want to be beautiful_

_So beautiful like you,_

       He paused in his training for a moment, considering that thought. This was his second chance, and he wasn't worthy of it, he knew. And yet…and yet someone had deemed him valuable enough to keep around, to be given another chance. 

       Was he wasting it?

       Did _they_ intend for him to live again only to punish himself more? 

_All these indecisions blind me of my reason_

_Hide me from my feelings never knowing why_

_Was it the collision that took away my vision_

_Never knowing nothing is soothing sometimes_

       Shutting down the gravity room, he grasped a towel on his way out the door, wiping down his upper body, turning the white cloth dark with blood and sweat. Once inside the kitchen he dropped the soiled towel into the trashcan, hoping that none of his hosts would see it and pester him. Especially the younger woman. As it was she never left him alone, certainly not after he destroyed the gravity room. Only a day ago he woke up from that incident and she was less than pleased with his quick retreat to the rebuilt unit.

       _Speak of the devil_, he thought with a grimace as the woman herself entered the room. Twin scowls immediately made their way on both their faces. He held up a finger to stop the tirade he knew would come, and her brows only furrowed more, her mouth, surprisingly, staying shut. He caught the twinge of concern in her eyes and turned away, pushing away the disturbing feelings her look stirred in him. She was just another screw, a pleasurable way to pass the time. She only wanted him for his body anyhow.

       He closed his eyes against her stare, quashing the doubts that rose in him when she looked at him like that. It couldn't be possible…could it? No one could _love_ him, that was nonsense. He couldn't even feel any love for himself, how then could she? 

       Within, she was everything he was not. Innocent, pure, selfless…things that he had never posessed. Something like that should not look at one such as he with that expression…it seemed a sin against all nature. 

_So hard to believe,_

_That you're so beautiful and I'm so…_

       Her cool fingers touched the burning skin of his shoulder, and unconsciously he shrunk away from her touch even as he willed her hands to follow his retreat, to keep him from hiding again. Her whole hand descended on him, and he sucked in a breath, keeping his eyes screwed tightly shut. Only once before had she touched him so tenderly, and in that moment he knew that he would always hurt whoever came near him. It was not in his power to cause joy, or any other positive feeling. He had accepted her body, never feeling more than mere lust for her, and he had wronged her in the worst way possible. If she knew, perhaps her love for him would cease.

       "Vegeta," she whispered softly, sending chills down his spine. Never had his name sounded so sweet, not the name of a monster. She said his name as though it belonged to a beautiful creature, one that did not have millions of lives on its conscience. 

       She hesitantly stepped towards him, her other hand coming to rest on his opposite shoulder. Unwillingly he leaned into her touch, exhaling softly as her arms came around him, one hand rubbing his back as her slender fingers tangled themselves in his hair. His mind screamed for him to pull away, to leave this woman and refuse her affection, but he had neither the strength nor the desire to move, unless it was closer to her.

       He stood rigid as she nuzzled his ear, unable to do anything but bask in the feelings her soft touches sent through him. For a moment, he felt he could move on, that maybe his sins had been atoned for, and that he could live a new life.

       Wasn't that what second chances were all about?

|*|

       Hours later he stood before the mirror, completely nude. Using his towel he wiped some of the steam from the glass, unmasking his image. He silently regarded himself, fingers softly tracing scars on his chest and arms. As his fingers passed over each ridge of skin he recalled how he had received it, and how much he had deserved it. Very often he could not think of how he had wronged Frieza to be given such a wound…perhaps there would never be an answer, or a reason, he surmised. 

       His thoughts turned to the woman sleeping in the room adjacent to the bathroom, his minds eye tracing the tear tracks down her cheeks, tears shed for a creature such as he. Perhaps…perhaps he was too harsh on himself.

       He knew that someday he wanted to see himself differently, and that today he had begun upon that path. 

       One day, he wouldn't feel so ugly.

The End

   Just a little introspective one shot…I really like it. The song is Ugly by Cinder, and I highly recommend it, it's great. Really good song, that. And for those of you that know it, I did shuffle around the lyrics, and they're not all in there. The fic is just too short to fit the whole song!

   *hugs Vegeta* My baby!

    So anyhow, just thought I'd get that out, as always music is what inspires me most, my melodic muse. Okay, I'll quit babbling. Please tell me what you think, personally I'm quite proud of this one. :D


End file.
